Thursday, December 18, 2014

The 2014 Holidays

I often find myself reflecting on this subject - at least once a year. And it only happens because of the difficulty that seems to be present. When it does, I am fully aware of the weight it adds to me. Figuratively, of course. And I am certainly not the only person who has trouble during the holiday season. It's a hard time of year for many people.

Two days ago - Tuesday - was an especially difficult day for no apparent reason. I got up, went to work, and proceeded to find myself feeling as though I'd been grated by sand paper. I don't know another way of describing the feeling, but there it is. Plus, I was feeling depressed. Really sad. It occurred to me that part of the reason for this was that I have had a tough time during the holidays. Between working a lot of hours, the stress that comes with the schedule I keep, and the needs of my family, it had added up. Not to mention the weather; really wet and gloomy.

Fortunately, I have good friends. I commented on my state of mind on social media, and a number of people responded with words of encouragement and support. I am grateful for that. And I certainly won't forget it. Yesterday was a much better day, and right now I am entering the home stretch - two hours left of a ten hour shift in the Emergency Department. The night watch. Little bursts of activity on a given overnight, but not so much this past overnight. I have had much, much worse.

Today? I am working tonight at the firehouse. After I get through with this shift I am going to go home and try to sleep for a while. Friday I am working the second of two 24 hour shifts for the week. And I am off for the weekend. Hopefully I will be able to get whatever stuff that needs to be done completed. The only thing that will be challenging will be Monday, December 22. That would have been my mother's eighty-third birthday. But I will get through that.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Searching For A Subject

I've been working on this post off and on for about a week. I have not been writing at all lately, or even infrequently at best. It's not because I've lost interest, but I seem to have run out of steam.

Part of the reason that I write infrequently or sporadically is because of the difficulty I have in finding things to write about. It's not that subjects aren't available; certainly there are. My problem seems to be that there is simply too much to consider. At least I think that is what's going on, but I can't be sure. With that in mind, I have some things percolating in my head that I may actually be able to put in a post.

Over the past week my my work life has undergone a phase shift. A couple of weeks ago I was offered a position with Lifeline Ambulance, which I accepted and started at the beginning of this week. They are an EMS transport provider based out of Woburn, Massachusetts. That also happens to be where I will be working the two 24 hour shifts, Tuesdays and Fridays. I was happy with that schedule but I am having to shift everything else around because I accepted this job, and I may end up with some of my work going away. Or maybe not; I have had to make changes which, for the most part, have been reasonably  successful. But like anything else, it is always interesting when change is effected; other things are usually always impacted. So you adjust. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. Always do your best.

The weather here has fluctuated over the past couple of weeks. A lot. And my body is feeling it. We are supposed to be getting a considerable amount of rain over the next two days. I certainly can tell that this is happening due to the joint soreness,  especially in my shoulders, my hips, and the back of my left calf. Plus I have picked up a dry cough. I'm not certain where it comes from but I don't appreciate its presence. It has to be due to dry air in buildings. But I'm likely wrong about that;  there has been a lot of illness around. And I'm sure I picked up something I shouldn't be fighting.

As I write this I am watching the sky continue to be dark. At 6:00AM.  Over the past 6 hours the Spice Fairy has visited. Multiple patients in with issues related to it. I'm glad I haven't had to deal with most of the associated nonsense, but I hear about it from other staff. In addition, I have no doubt it will continue. I expect nothing less.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Weekend's Early Start

Saturday morning and it's growing light.
I look out my window and remember the night.
The story is starting and this story ends
And I feel like I need you again.

Time used to mose softly when I was at home.
It went on without me, and left me alone.
Now it's sits at my shoulder and claws at my hand
And I feel like I need you again.

Well, I recall September, and leaves turned brown
Remember October, left leaves on the ground.
And here comes December like an elderly friend.
And I feel like I need you again.

-- Tom Chapin

It is nice to have weekends off, for the most part. I get to spend time with my family, which is something that was denied to me for years due to the demands of the job. And most of the time I can sleep in. Except for this morning;  I was awake at 4:30. For no reason. But I've been relaxing and watching Peyton exercise her incredible imagination. Later on I think Martha and I are going to go to the beach. Even if we don't go, just being able to spend time together is enough.

There is enough to do here that I wouldn't necessarily have to leave, either. That's true enough. However,  it is a nice enough day today (and tomorrow is supposed to be nice also) that I may get nothing done. Not a problem, though; sometimes it's perfectly fine to do nothing.

And I'm fine with that.

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Dark Morning

"It is always darkest before the dawn breaks" is a quote I have heard more than once. The meaning of this is usually that in a bad situation the worst of it occurs before turning the corner. In this case, however, I have the more literal interpretation that quote in mind.

As I write this I am at work, and there is nearly nothing going on. I'm sitting at the desk us Paramedics refer to as "The Penalty Box." It is approximately the same size as a regulation hockey rink sized penalty box with not a lot of room. On the desk surface in front of me are a computer screen and keyboard, a telephone, a monitor for security cameras,  a multifunction device that has a blood pressure cuff, a pulse oximeter,  and an oral thermometer,  various office supplies, a container of disinfectant wipes, three boxes of nitrile gloves, and a two-way radio. The tablet I am writing this post on goes back and forth between resting on my knee and the table.

It is nearly 5:00AM, and it is pitch black outside. Plus, for early September,  it is cold outside. It is 44 degrees Fahrenheit - admittedly not below freezing, but a bit cooler in September than one would expect. I was surprised to see the temperatures,  but not as surprised as I should be. We do live in New England;  the weather and the temperatures can be somewhat labile.  We should expect that, though. I suspect there will be more of the same as the season changes further. We haven't seen changes to leaves yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if that starts soon too.

Tomorrow I have to report to the Federal court in Concord, NH, for jury duty. The second time in that court since 1993, and the fourth time in 20 years. All because I vote.

Perhaps I shouldn't be snarky.  It is an obligation,  and it isn't like I've never served. But it is inconvenient, and I would be lying if I said that I was looking forward to it. There are other things I would rather be doing. Like working - sounds strange, but yes, I would rather work than do this. However, I have been called. And I will do the right thing.

The sky should start to lighten in the next hour or so. And I will wait for it to happen. Because at that point, it is the beginning of a new day.

Friday, August 22, 2014

The Bounce

Well then. I finally drew up the strength to write this post. It has been a challenge this summer, to say the least. It has taken me a while to digest everything I've been working through, but I think I'm finally able to write about it all.

Since the last post I wrote on May 2, a few things have happened that I probably should comment on.  The most significant of these is the passing of my mother. She died on May 5 after a long struggle with her health. She had a lot of stuff going on, some of which I have written about in the past. The most significant thing she had to deal with was dementia.  She was aware of her memory loss for a great deal of time, which was really hard for her as well for us who survive.  By the end of her life, however, her short term memory was pretty much gone.

In addition,  she also had pernicious anemia. By itself this played a huge part in her decline. Over the last year of her life she received a huge amount of transfused blood products.  I suspect this contributed to her demise by the effect it had on her immune system. Plus, she was the victim of her own choices during her life. COPD,  a number of Transient Ischemic Attacks (TIA's) that were likely undiagnosed,  and issues with heart disease probably all associated with her lifelong smoking, were all most certainly contributory.

All of that said, she was incredibly stubborn.  Fiercely independent,  in spite of all of the problems she faced, she lived by herself until about 6 weeks before her death.  My brother Jay found her on her living room floor, the result of a fall.  One of the last things she did before finally leaving her home was to smoke a cigarette.  It would be her last.

When we made my mom's final arrangements,  we were all surprised at the number of people who came to her funeral. But that in itself was a testament to how much people cared about her. She was a good person, a great mother, and a wonderful friend to many. And I miss her.

Another significant event was dropping one of my jobs. I no longer work for Cataldo Ambulance. My last shift there was Saturday,  August 9. It was time to go - after 6 years there I had enough. The main reason I left was because I wanted to spend more time with my family. Not having Saturday available to me was really starting to wear me down. Plus, the resources that were unavailable during  Saturdays and not being able to get anything done was becoming frustrating.  I think the straw that broke the camel's back was the Saturday three weeks before my last. Too much happening that day as well as dealing with people who were just making my life really difficult.  I simply hit my personal wall. At that point it became clear that it was time to go.

So now I have Saturdays back. The first one was spent with Martha and with my granddaughter Peyton. Great day in Boston. Tomorrow may be a beach day, weather permitting.  I look forward to many more.

On that, time to sign off. I will do my best to write more. Maybe now I'll be able to.

Friday, May 02, 2014


My mother is dying.

Someday we all will die - that is a fact. In my line of work I see people actively dying often enough, plus I deal with enough situations where efforts to resuscitate someone who is clinically dead is called for.  Sometimes we get them back. Most times we don't. And I suspect this will not be one of those times.

We've been watching her decline for some time. Between suffering from dementia and battling the hematologic disorders she was diagnosed with, plus other chronic conditions that have affected her, she has had a difficult time. All of her medications, with the exception of those being given for comfort, have been stopped.

Probably the hardest thing was watching her cognitive abilities slip away. She was talented with various arts and crafts, and she had a way with people. And she could tell good stories.

As I write this I am sitting next to her bed. She is sleeping fitfully; she has been medicated due to her being agitated and disoriented.  She has not been eating, either. One of the staff brought her lunch in, but I don't expect she will eat.  She stopped that last night, from what I have been told. I don't hold out a lot of hope for her eating anything now, either. But all of us - I and my family - will keep watch over here while she is still with us.

She has a living will and a do not resuscitate order in place. They were implemented when she still had some semblance of memory. We will respect them.

And we will wait.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Marathon Monday

As I write this post there are two major events going on in Boston: the 18th Boston Marathon and the Red Sox and Baltimore Orioles at Fenway Park. I'm not certain how many years the Sox have played on Marathon Monday, but I know it has been many. For a number of years I worked during the Marathon with staff covering the portion of the route that runs a through Newton. There are a good number of my friends and colleagues of mine working on the route now.

The air is definitely different this year. Last year, with the events surrounding the race and the aftermath, turned out to be unspeakably hard for so many people. The stories of those who were affected - and came back - have been, to say the least, both encouraging and inspiring. And it has made me realize that the issues I have faced have simply paled in comparison.

I am very proud of the people I work with. They are good at what they do, and their courage and character are unmatched. I think of them, and I am hopeful that they have a really good, positive,  and uneventful day on the race course. And I hold out the same feeling for my friends working the game at Fenway Park.

I have the game on now, and the voices of the Red Slx, Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy, are wearing  running shoes. They are doing so in support of the runners on the course. And that is awesome.

They and everyone else down there today are Boston Strong.