Here it is, 2:45AM, and I am wide awake. I should be sleeping, but I can't. I'm in Goffstown, working (at least trying to doze for dollars but being totally unsuccessful). The reason is that I am worrying about my younger daughter. She's gotten herself into some trouble, and I am stewing over how to deal with it. Plus, I have to sit down with my ex-wife to figure this all out, and I will be doing so tonight. I am not happy about it.
According to my ex, the girl "is a different person" then who she apparently was before C, my ex, went to Kentucky in July. N, my daughter, has managed to get herself into doing some things she shouldn't, both because she is simply too young and the activities are illegal for her to be involved in. Both involve substances, namely tobacco and alcohol. I found out about all of this over the weekend, and I have been tied up in knots ever since.
I've been thinking about actions I want to take. They include everything from taking her privileges away to barring the windows on her bedroom and putting a lock on the outside of her door. Mostly, the reason I want to do all of these things is because I am not just angry, I am also scared. For her. As I said, she is simply too young. At 14 (15 in September), she hasn't developed the skills to make good, sound choices. It seems that no matter how hard we have tried to educate her about all of the things that she's gotten herself involved in, she's made the choices to do these things anyway. And I'm angry about that, not just at her but also at myself because I feel as though I am responsible.
I did spend some time with her today; she has this feeling that she did nothing that would warrant her to be punished. I was extremely blown away by that, and I spent quite a bit of time explaining to her why she is being shadowed by someone at all times and is not allowed to go out or spend time with her friends. I made a point to try to get her to understand that the things she did, which I won't go into great detail about, had everyone in her family upset and worried. I also told her what alcohol does when it gets into the body and the actions it takes, as well as the effects. To top it off, she is a small person (5'1", 115 lbs.) so it didn't matter how little alcohol she drank. It was going to kick her hard.
So I am sitting here, the lump in my stomach hasn't moved in better than two days, and I am still awake. Hopefully I won't stay that way much longer, but I'm afraid that I will. We'll see.