Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Humor That Makes Sense – At Least To Me

Hat tip to Martha. She sent this to me earlier today. And – I figure we all need a good laugh once in a while. Right?

I love this Doctor. 

Chinese Doctor
Q: Doctor,  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a nap. 
Q: Should  I cut down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?  Eat  chicken. Beef is also a good source  of field grass (a green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable  products.
Q: Should I reduce my  alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine - that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out  of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to  one, etc.
Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise  program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it. How could  getting more vegetables be bad for you? 
Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach. 
Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa  beans: another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to  me.
Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A:  Hey! 'Round' is a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may   have had about food and diets. And remember:
“Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride’” 


For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies, 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer, eat lots of sausages and fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Eat  and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you.


Karen Brook Westhaver said...

I am considering which language to change to even as I'm typing...hilarious! Thanks for the great laughs :-)

Elizabeth said...

Thank you, and thanks to Martha for brightening a rainy day here !

Deege said...

Whew! I'm so glad to read this and realize I've been on a healthy diet all these years. Thanks! *grin*