Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Since I have to plan for life after a leg brace, this past weekend Martha and I went shoe shopping for me.

Shopping - something I enjoy so much. Yeah. Right. Sure. I'd actually rather have hot knitting needles driven into both of my ears. Which explains why I haven't finished (or even really started) any Christmas shopping yet.

Anyway, with Martha's encouragement, I bit the bullet and got myself into a pair of Birkenstock clogs. Not something I would ever expect to wear myself, mainly because I've never viewed myself as the "crunchy granola" type. I've been wearing them off and on over the past few days around the house, whenever I haven't had to go anywhere. The consensus is that they are really quite comfortable - I'm impressed! And I think they will work for what I have to deal with. I haven't worn them outside of the house yet, and I don't plan to until I'm officially cleared to do so.

Who knows? Maybe for summer I'll chew on another projectile and get a pair of sandals. I have to laugh; my friend Abbot Matthew, the abbot of St. Anselm Abbey, wears his even during the winter. I'm not sure he'd appreciate them being characterized as "Jesus Joggers", however. Or would he? He does have a good sense of humor, so perhaps he'd think that was funny. Next time I see him, I'll ask.....

I had an interesting conversation with my therapist today. Since my injury, I've been making it a point to talk with him regularly, and it has been really helpful in getting me through the hard stuff. In fact, he has been absolutely awesome. Our conversations have also given me a great deal to think about and work on - definitely no lack of that, at least with respect to the matter at hand. And I uncovered something that I've been dealing with sub-consciously throughout this whole experience. Seeing as I already deal daily with Anxiety Disorder (and I have the tools to manage it), I had never given thought to the other side of that coin: Depression. However, one thing I realized today is how insidious it can be. That's been manifesting itself in the day-to-day difficulty I have in facing a set of challenges that are totally foreign to me.

The biggest thing I've had to do (not every day, but some days certainly) is decide whether or not to get out of bed. I never expected to find myself in that situation. And it is hard to admit that to myself, much less make it part of a public discussion. But there have definitely been days where I thought it would be so much easier to just stay in bed - those times it's taken me 20, 30, 60 minutes to work myself up to get going. And afterward, I'd realized that it was really not worth staying down; there is no point in doing that because it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

I have never been one to quit. It is totally against my nature to do that. However, there have been times where I've had to consciously push myself to keep going. And I've said before that this whole experience has been an endurance test - for now, it continues. And I have no intention of quitting.

I can't.


Laura said...

I also find that sometimes I would just like to sleep in. The fact is, I also like to stay up late. Being ill for one month took a lot out of me. Frankly, the only way I got better was the extra rest. The difference is, I am very happy. But I don't feel like shopping either. I don't care for it. So, I think your going to be just fine. Hang in there.

Evil Transport Lady said...

Depression sucks. I know:) Hang in there buddy, realizing the problem is the first step. As for your shoes, enjoy! Comfy shoes are so hard to find!